How Did I Get Here?

This afternoon, as I licked the remaining powder sugary goodness off my fingers, I encountered a pang of remorse and asked myself, "How did I get here?"

Let me explain.  Having had a slightly frustrating day with 2 children under the age of 2, I found myself in front of the pantry.  The 2 precious, but sometimes-drive-me-crazy blessings were finally both down for their naps.  I felt close to the edge of losing my mind and I stood there in front of the pantry, searching for something to numb the pain.  I spotted the powdered donuts and swooped in like a hawk.  

I'm proud to say that I only ate 3, but I'm also disappointed that I ate any at all.  Why did I turn to food for my comfort?  Why did I rely on something sweet and unhealthy to make myself feel better?  How did I get to this point?  When did this start?

Why do we humans turn to eating for comfort?  I know I'm not alone in this.  I see it in my oldest son, too.  When he gets upset, he immediately asks for his milk.  Sometimes he doesn't even drink it; he just wants to have the spout in his mouth.  He is comforted by having something in his mouth.  Of course babies receive comfort by sucking.  Do we just not outgrow that need?  Or is eating just the quickest path to pleasure?

All of these thoughts flashed across my mind as I finished licking my fingers.  But why, oh why, did I turn to food instead of the Giver of all comfort?  I could have come before the Lord and poured out my heart to Him and He would have welcomed me.  He could have give me lasting peace and the pleasure that comes from communion with the Lover of my soul.  

Lord, help me to always run to you instead of the things of this world.   

Still busy, but settling in....

It's hard to believe that two months have passed since my second son was born.  It's been over a month since I have updated.  

As of my last posting, I was ending a fast and about to take a week off.  Well, I allowed myself to indulge in some chocolate, but discovered something unpleasant.  I'm exclusively breastfeeding my son, and chocolate upsets his tummy.  It was a little disappointing and I fought with myself about it.  On one hand, I felt I deserved to enjoy some chocolate, but I hated seeing him cry and squirm as he experienced a tummy ache.  So I actually did not indulge as much as I planned, which was probably a blessing in disguise.  

After my week off, I began again on September 14.  I did not have a sense of needing to add something else, so I kept with no chocolate/sodas/candy.  I have one week left on this 40 days and it is very interesting to me to see how my attitude has changed.  During this 40 days I have had chocolate three times.  So yes, I did break my fast.  However, each time was not a result of weakness.  I wasn't faced with a temptation that I could not stand.  I could have said no each time.  And interestingly enough, I did not feel guilty after indulging.  It has definitely gotten easier to say No.  

That being said, this past week I have become aware of cravings I am having for sweets, chocolate included.  I am reminded of the verse about staying alert so that I will not fall into temptation.  I have enjoyed some success and I'm seeing a lessening of the hold of those things in my life.  But I must not become prideful, lest I fall back into old ways.  

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..."  1 Peter 5:8-9

 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."   Matthew 26:41

Praise God for His faithfulness to me.  He has brought me so far during this year.  I'm so thankful that He continues to work in my life, giving me strength to withstand temptation and offering ways of escape.