How Did I Get Here?

This afternoon, as I licked the remaining powder sugary goodness off my fingers, I encountered a pang of remorse and asked myself, "How did I get here?"

Let me explain.  Having had a slightly frustrating day with 2 children under the age of 2, I found myself in front of the pantry.  The 2 precious, but sometimes-drive-me-crazy blessings were finally both down for their naps.  I felt close to the edge of losing my mind and I stood there in front of the pantry, searching for something to numb the pain.  I spotted the powdered donuts and swooped in like a hawk.  

I'm proud to say that I only ate 3, but I'm also disappointed that I ate any at all.  Why did I turn to food for my comfort?  Why did I rely on something sweet and unhealthy to make myself feel better?  How did I get to this point?  When did this start?

Why do we humans turn to eating for comfort?  I know I'm not alone in this.  I see it in my oldest son, too.  When he gets upset, he immediately asks for his milk.  Sometimes he doesn't even drink it; he just wants to have the spout in his mouth.  He is comforted by having something in his mouth.  Of course babies receive comfort by sucking.  Do we just not outgrow that need?  Or is eating just the quickest path to pleasure?

All of these thoughts flashed across my mind as I finished licking my fingers.  But why, oh why, did I turn to food instead of the Giver of all comfort?  I could have come before the Lord and poured out my heart to Him and He would have welcomed me.  He could have give me lasting peace and the pleasure that comes from communion with the Lover of my soul.  

Lord, help me to always run to you instead of the things of this world.   

Still busy, but settling in....

It's hard to believe that two months have passed since my second son was born.  It's been over a month since I have updated.  

As of my last posting, I was ending a fast and about to take a week off.  Well, I allowed myself to indulge in some chocolate, but discovered something unpleasant.  I'm exclusively breastfeeding my son, and chocolate upsets his tummy.  It was a little disappointing and I fought with myself about it.  On one hand, I felt I deserved to enjoy some chocolate, but I hated seeing him cry and squirm as he experienced a tummy ache.  So I actually did not indulge as much as I planned, which was probably a blessing in disguise.  

After my week off, I began again on September 14.  I did not have a sense of needing to add something else, so I kept with no chocolate/sodas/candy.  I have one week left on this 40 days and it is very interesting to me to see how my attitude has changed.  During this 40 days I have had chocolate three times.  So yes, I did break my fast.  However, each time was not a result of weakness.  I wasn't faced with a temptation that I could not stand.  I could have said no each time.  And interestingly enough, I did not feel guilty after indulging.  It has definitely gotten easier to say No.  

That being said, this past week I have become aware of cravings I am having for sweets, chocolate included.  I am reminded of the verse about staying alert so that I will not fall into temptation.  I have enjoyed some success and I'm seeing a lessening of the hold of those things in my life.  But I must not become prideful, lest I fall back into old ways.  

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith..."  1 Peter 5:8-9

 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."   Matthew 26:41

Praise God for His faithfulness to me.  He has brought me so far during this year.  I'm so thankful that He continues to work in my life, giving me strength to withstand temptation and offering ways of escape.  

Busy Busy Busy

I haven't had much of an opportunity to update.  The last 3 weeks have been very eventful, given that my second son was born on August 14.  With a 19-month-old and a newborn, well, it doesn't leave much room for updating a blog.  

Today is the last day of my 3rd 40 day fast.  To recap, I continued to abstain from chocolate and cokes, but added candy to that, as well.  I kept all of those, with one exception.  After the birth of my son, a good friend brought dinner over and she had made a yummy chocolate pudding cake.  She did not know that I was on a chocolate fast.  I considered not eating any of it.  But then I also thought about legalsim.  She had made that cake as a blessing to me.  Would it not be legalistic to not partake of even a little bit?  It wasn't the same situation as me standing in the grocery store checkout line trying to resist buying a piece of candy and then giving in out of weakness.  If she had asked me, I would have asked her not to make anything chocolate.  But she didn't ask so she didn't know.  She thought about something that I would enjoy and made it for me.  From scratch, I think.  

This may sound like a rationalization, but I couldn't go without having some of it.  Not because I couldn't resist the chocolate appeal, but because I wanted to be able to tell her that I enjoyed it very much and appreciated the trouble she went to in making it.  I wouldn't have been able to tell her that otherwise.  So that was my instance of straying from the fast.  But I hope it makes sense that only did so out of love and appreciation to a very dear friend.

I'll take my usual week off, and allow myself to enjoy a few things on the forbidden list.  However, I remember what happened last time, so I'll be sure to keep it under control.  I don't want another sore throat and drainage like last time.  Especially not with having to care for a newborn.  

Struggles and Little Victories

Isn't it interesting how a little success can make us full of ourselves?  

I've been doing fine with avoiding sodas, chocolate, and other candy.  But what about the sweets that are NOT in those categories?  I bought a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies one day last week with the intention of having 1 a day as a treat.  I ended up eating at least 2 a day instead.  It was like I became this ravenous beast without any control.  The really sad part is that I didn't WANT to control it.  I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to pray during those times of craving, but I refused.  I wanted to give in.  

Let me just say that it is not a sin to eat any type of food.  Jesus declared everything clean and our righteousness does not come from what we eat.  Our righteousness is completely from the work of Jesus Christ.  But for me to ignore a prompting from the Holy Spirit, that is sinful.

When I understood this (after the frenzy) I realized that I was trying to do this on my own power.  A friend of mine is also going through the 40 days with me and she shared with me that she is making it her prayer that she would desire God more than she desires the taste of sweet things.  When she shared that with me, I was even more aware that I had lost sight of the main reason for doing this--to grow closer to the Lord.

Improved health is a definite benefit, but the whole point of this exercise is to rely more on the Lord, especially when I'm feeling weak.  

So after making it right with the Lord, I experienced some more victories.  They might not seem big to other people, but they are huge to me:  Not eating dessert at a church dinner.  Not eating any processed sweet during an entire day.

Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness, even during my weakness.

Consequences

So the second 40 days ended July 17.  I took a week off and I allowed myself chocolate and sodas.  I didn't have very many sodas, but I sure indulged in the chocolate.  For 7 days I ate anything I wanted--a Milky Way, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream with chocolate topping, brownies, chocolate milk tea.  Delicious!!!

I shouldn't have been surprised when I woke up a week later with sinus drainage and a scratchy throat.  The glands under my throat were swollen and there was sinus pressure in my head.  I knew exactly why I was feeling the way I did.  Whenever I go overboard on sugar this is what happens to me.  Sugar is an immune system-depressor and by indulging so much I pushed my immune system down to a level that I became susceptible to the cold that was going around some of the people at church.  

I'm almost over it now, but it's taken almost 2 weeks to get past all of the symptoms.  For 1 week of indulgence I've had 2 weeks of symptoms.  Was it really worth it?

Round 3

So here I am again.  The second 40 days ended July 17.  Now I think I'm ready to start again.  I feel the Lord telling me to continue with chocolate and sodas, but He has added candy to it, as well.  Things like gummi bears and twizzlers, etc. are off my list.

God is so awesome and faithful!  You see, candy was my "cheat."  I still wanted sweet things and while I couldn't have chocolate, no one said anything about other candies.  But God has called me on it this time.  It will be even harder for me to resist temptation, but I know I can trust Him.  I'm excited to see what He will do in my life through this!  

" 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."                                    2 Corinthians12:9-10    

Reasons for Continuing

I mentioned in the previous post that I had reasons for re-instating my Lenten fast even though Easter had passed.  In order to fully explain those reasons, I'll need to go back a little to when I first started getting interested in my health.

All of my life, I have never had to struggle with my weight.  I have always been small and petite.  And I didn't do anything to stay that way.  I ate whatever I wanted, as long as it tasted good.  I hardly ate any vegetables and, as I mentioned before, I loved sweets.  Me eat a salad?  Never.  I ordered my tacos without lettuce and my hamburgers dry.  And, interestingly enough, I grew up suffering from chronic sinus infections.  Admittedly I was a busy girl--active in band, choir, drama, dance, and church while also maintaining an "A" average.  I would burn both ends of the candle until I would get sick.  The sinus infection almost always went into strep throat.  

I never connected my sickness with my eating habits.  Sadly, it was not until after college that I made that connection.  I made some changes in my eating and I noticed that I did not get sick as often.  I also learned to not let myself get so stressed and busy (thanks to my husband) and that also seemed to have an effect.  I saw trends in my eating habits:  if I ate a lot of sweets then I would often end up with sinus issues.  Slowly, I began to understand that what I put into my body affected how well it would work.

I have to stop here and thank my mother-in-law.  She is very knowledgeable about health and was instrumental in helping me on my journey.  She lent me a book entitled "What the Bible Says About Healthy Living," and as I read through it, I was amazed.  God created all the foods we would need to live on this planet, and live well.  It is man's attempt to improve on these foods (AKA processed foods) that have led to so many health problems.

So began my efforts to really change my eating habits--eating less processed foods and fewer sweets.  I noticed that I cycled between eating healthy and eating unhealthy.  It was difficult to control my cravings so I would fall back into old habits, usually until I got sick.  Then it was easy to start eating healthy again until the next round hit.  And so it would go, over and over.

I lacked the discipline to say "No" when a craving would hit, whether it was for fast food, chocolate, or something else.  That is one reason the Lenten fast from chocolate was so appealing to me.  I wasn't just saying, "Oh I'll do better this week."  I made it a vow to God that I would not eat chocolate.  If Jesus could go without food and water for 40 days, then surely I could offer this small sacrifice to God.  And it was only for 40 days.  It's not like I would be denying myself forever.

During that time, I was in the second trimester of my second pregnancy.  (At the time of writing this I am 36 weeks along.)  I craved more sweets during this pregnancy than I did with my first, so it was very difficult at times.  I would sometimes stand in front of the candy at the store and say, "Lord, I want this so badly.  Please help me to resist."  God was so faithful and I celebrated victory after victory.

After Easter, I allowed myself to eat chocolate again.  The rest of April passed, as did May.  By June, I was feeling out of control again.  I prayed about doing another 40 days and I felt the Lord agreeing with me.  But this time I vowed not to eat chocolate or drink sodas.  

There were still many instances in which I struggled.  But having tasted victory before, I knew it was possible with the Lord's help.  

 

Beginnings

Well, I finally did it. I've read plenty of other people's blogs, but I never thought I would have one of my own. The purpose is to share a journey I have been on, and one I intend to continue.

It all started back in February.

As a protestant, I never practiced Lent. In fact, I don't think I even knew Lent existed until junior high or high school. A couple of my friends observed it and that was fine. I had no interest nor did I ever feel a need to participate.

However, this year my Sunday School teacher brought it up. He gave some of the historical background behind Lent and we spent some time discussing WHY anyone should observe this practice of sacrificing something for 40 days. What was the point? It's not a requirement for salvation. Lent is not even mentioned in the Bible. So why do it?

It brings up the true meaning behind sacrifice. If I give up something that is not very important to me, is that really a sacrifice? No. A sacrifice always costs something. The Israelites knew this. Imagine having to give up your best animals because you chose to sin. The size of your herd was a sign of your wealth. Keep sinning and your herd could be severely reduced. Costly stuff, that sin.

To make a long story short, as we discussed this in our class I felt the Lord telling me to do it. To give up something for Lent, not for the sake of Lent, but for the discipline of sacrifice.

So I did.

I prayed and vowed to God that I would not eat anything chocolate for 40 days. That included candy, cookies, cakes, or anything with chocolate in it. For some people that might not be much of a sacrifice, but I have an unbelievable sweet tooth and I LOVE chocolate. Actually, I found that I had difficulty controlling my sweet tooth. I felt out of control and I did not like that feeling. I am the master of my body, but I felt like my body was the master of me--that I was a slave to my desires. So by giving up chocolate, not only would I be sacrificing something I really liked, but I would also be addressing this issue of mastery.

So I went through the Lenten season and did not eat any chocolate. Some days were easy and some days were very difficult. For instance, I attended a wedding shower for a cousin and I mentally prepared myself the night before, reminding myself that I could not have any chocolate cake or chocolate covered strawberries, or anything with chocolate. However, I was caught off-guard by the bowls of M&Ms that were on the table. Five different varieties of M&Ms, right there in front of me. AND NO ONE PRESENT KNEW I WAS DOING THIS!! I could easily have eaten some and no one would have been the wiser. In fact, I'm sure no one would have condemned me for doing it. It was a difficult battle and one I'm proud to say that I won, but only with the Lord's help. I prayed and prayed for him to help me resist. He was faithful and brought me through it.

There were other times like that, when I wanted so badly to give in. It was through His strength that I was able to persevere. Easter Sunday came and I was free. I began eating and enjoying the things that I had not been able to during Lent.

There is more to tell, but I'll have to continue in my next post about how I came to re-instate my next 40 day fast.